(06:18PM) Thing 2:  you heard from grandpaps lately?
 (06:19PM) Thing 1:  no
 (06:21PM) Thing 1:  I'm sure he impregnated a couple Dutch girls by now and will probably have children with him
 (06:21PM) Thing 1:  those Dutch incubate quickly, and that's a fact.
 (06:22PM) Thing 1:  they go from fertilization to hatching in like 79 hours
 (06:24PM) Thing 2:  holy shit. hatching? seriously?
 (06:24PM) Thing 1:  yeah.. those fuckers are crazy
 (06:25PM) Thing 1:  their technology is waaaay ahead of ours regarding instant child creation
 (06:25PM) Thing 2:  wow.... who woulda thought.... the Dutch
 (06:27PM) Thing 1:  plus, according to a report I fabricated on the Dutch a few years ago, they all look like this.. .mostly

 
Note: Actual sock puppets are more attractive than most Dutch people, as you can tell from this shocking photograph


(06:27PM) Thing 1:  your average modern sock puppet was designed after the inventor spent a week in Holland
(06:28PM) Thing 1:  the sick part is that this is not an artist's rendition of a Dutch person, but an actual photograph
(06:28PM) Thing 1:  they're these weird little one dimensional sock puppet people....
(06:28PM) Thing 1:  and there's your proof
(06:29PM) Thing 2:  dear lord
(06:29PM) Thing 1:  maybe I mentioned all this before, I don't know
(06:30PM) Thing 2:  I dunno
(06:30PM) Thing 1:  if you were gonna stick your finger in a dyke, as the Dutch are prone to do, wouldn't you want to have the protection of a tube sock?
(06:31PM) Thing 1:  maybe you feel I've thought about it too much
(06:31PM) Thing 2:  eh....
(06:31PM) Thing 2:  I think you have
(06:32PM) Thing 1:  I'm constantly waiting for a chance to bring the Dutch into a conversation, so I can go into my spiel about their evil little 1D world
(06:33PM) Thing 2:  1D? is that possible?
(06:33PM) Thing 1:  yeah dude, they're 1D.. if they turn around, they disappear
(06:33PM) Thing 1:  a lot of missing persons reports are filed over this very issue
(06:31PM) Thing 1:  maybe this is all too shocking for you
(06:33PM) Thing 1:  Well, don't fault the Dutch for my arrogance.. sure they're an ugly sock-looking people, but they have heart... and sometimes stripes
(06:33PM) Thing 2:  stripes are only on the tube varieties
(06:34PM) Thing 1:  well, anymore its difficult to find a Dutch person who doesn't have at least a little tube in him, and they often end up on the striped side of the fence, where they're mistreated
(06:35PM) Thing 1:  much like the star bellied sneeches of yore, the Dutch are a constantly conflicted people
(06:37PM) Thing 2:  the hhhhwwwwhat?
(06:37PM) Thing 1:  star bellied sneetches.... with stars upon thars.. you act as if this is new information....dr Seuss spoke about them in great detail
(06:37PM) Thing 1:  of course he WAS A DOCTOR, which I wouldn't expect YOU to understand
(06:40PM) Thing 1:  the ones with stars upon thars treated the ones without stars upon thars very poorly.. its a long and sordid history that I'm sure you don't have time for
(06:40PM) Thing 2:  I don't
(06:40PM) Thing 1:  exactly
(06:40PM) Thing 1:  but that does bring up a good point
(06:40PM) Thing 1:  is it illegal or in any way wrong to start an amateur doctor's office?
(06:40PM) Thing 2:  dr Seuss was like.. my least favorite of doctors
(06:41PM) Thing 1:  I was thinking, we have amateur and professional versions of most professions
(06:41PM) Thing 1:  painters, musicians, gays, etc
(06:42PM) Thing 1:  how come nobody ever tried being an amateur doctor. like its your hobby... I don't tend to like reading books, so I'd have to teach myself through on-site experimentation
(06:42PM) Thing 2:  gay is a profession?
(06:42PM) Thing 1:  yeah, those queer eye guys and that grace chick are all gay guys who get paid for it
(06:43PM) Thing 1:  as opposed to your average gay dude at a flea market, who doesn't see dime-one for his gayness.
(06:43PM) Thing 1:  gay is just a hobby for him
(06:44PM) Thing 2:  yes, but for most it's not just like... a weekend hobby... some are a full on enthusiasts
(06:46PM) Thing 1:  it has priority over--say their love for origami..........
(06:46PM) Thing 1:  and stamp collecting
(06:49PM) Thing 1:  but yeah, anyway, I'm pretty sure that being an amateur doctor, I'd get all kinds of ladies.... Mulholland doctor style
(06:49PM) Thing 1:  that's a weird cycle
(06:49PM) Thing 1:  Mulholland doctor contains the word "Holland"
(06:49PM) Thing 1:  weird
(06:49PM) Thing 2:  yep
(06:49PM) Thing 1:  the Dutch have their fingers in everything these days... more than just dykes
(06:50PM) Thing 1:  their thirst for carnage matches only that of their love for their general
(06:51PM) Thing 2:  Is that from Superman 2?
(06:51PM) Thing 1:  ...........maybe.............
 

 

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To give you some back story as to why I randomly brought up these so-called "Dutch", please read the following email my friend received, as well as my randomly generated initial response:

The Email:

INAVJ САквс ЖИТЕЛЯМ ВСЕХ РЕГИОНОВ!!!ZMYT
Хотите устроиться на высокооплачиваемую работу с еженедельным заработком? Предлагаем Вам устроиться на такие работы на дому, как: работа за компьютером с зарплатой от 17000 рублей в месяц, а также сборка бус, склеивание конвертов, с письмами и многие другие, с заработком 5700 рублей в неделю или такие, как: с командировками, подсобные и неквалифицированные, постоянные, сезонные, за рубежом и т.д., с заработком до 3000 долларов в месяц. Всего более 12400 реальных вакансий! Заключается контракт. Оформляется трудовой стаж. Постоянная помощь в работе. Гарантии. Предложим работу всем написавшим! Доступно всем! Для получения бесплатной более подробной информации вложите в письмо ПОДПИСАННЫЙ КОНВЕРТ с Вашим обратным адресом и отправьте с любого отделения почты.
Пишите по адресу: 356800, Ставропольский край, г. Буденновск, Главпочтамт, А/Я - 68, в отдел писем № 20.RYZ грктП
Зарабатывайте и помните: "Под лежачий камень вода не течет!"

ПЭБР ПВЕКЕООЯЯ ЕЛЖОУУР WUCNA IQWSICQDARC ОАНЯАЖУЗЗЭ ПЕУП ZRYJYXXVZ

юмуеми KIQSD Приносим извинения, если наше сообщение доставило Вам неудобства.уЕЕиМт кПэ
Если наши предложения Вам не интересны, нажмите здесь.
В теме письма укажите адрес или адреса через пробел, которые Вы хотите отписать.

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Right. Well, I was as shocked as you are upon learning this information that I used my vast knowledge of the world to get to the bottom of this horrifying dilemma with the following post to my friends BLOG. My friend suspected immediately that this may be the work of some mad Dutchman. We weren't sure if this was actually Dutch at first, until I did some digging around on the internet, discovering a lot more than I bargained for about "The Dutch":
 

That IS indeed Dutch.

From what I can discern from my limited, yet vast knowledge of the fabled Dutch language, I believe it to be a declaration of war against you. They believe you to be the leader of this country. The Dutch are stupid. They're very very stupid. They're so out of touch with what's happening in the world that they feel they must randomly lash out at normal (if not slightly intoxicated) citizens. When the Dutch declare war, its considered serious business to them (but not to anyone else). As long as you don't reply, nothing will happen. Should you reply, however, they'll take the only military action they know. They'll send a small boy to put his finger in your dyke. This is something they do not wish to do, as it was developed as a contingency plan if, and only if, their plan of running around screaming like mad fails to solve the conflict. However, it HAS been their answer to EVERY "major" conflict they've ever been involved in.

Their reason for declaring war on you? They have reason to believe that someone has stolen the country's entire supply of pudding. They're not sure who did it, but they followed a trail of marijuana crumbs to your house, all the way from Dutchland, or wherever the fuck the fucking Dutch are from. The fucking Dutch know their marijuana. Isn't Hamsterdam in Dutchland????4444 Plus, they got the idea from Hansel and Gretzky or whatever.

The Dutch use the letter "A" a lot, with uber-crazy accents. Man, the Dutch are stupid.

It must've been raining the day the Dutch tried to climb the evolutionary ladder. Their excuse? "The bars were slick"

Oh yeah, its called Holland, huh?

Whatever. like anybody is gonna ever go there. Like I want to spend my vacation in a rotting cesspool of filth and disease. I could do that quite easily from here. They don't even have television in Holland. They just concentrate on spreading their Dutch disease, all day long! The average life expectancy in Holland is 12 years for males, and 64 years for females. If you go there, everybody is preoccupied with finding a dyke to stick their finger in. It really bums you out. Its like "Lad, would you pull out of that dyke for a minute and meet my wife?". They can't do it. Once he's entered the dyke, he can't pull out. Not after all the trouble he went through to get in there in the first place. The Dutch love a good solid dyke to stick one of their stubby Dutch digits in. If they don't stop up all the dykes, the entire country will sink into the ocean.

Think of it this way. Holland is basically the sewer for the entire world

Fuck the Dutch and everybody who looks Dutch.

Was that not the ultimate DUTCH DOGGING DIATRIBE, or what?

Whatever.....

Merry Chanukah and stuff.

 

Right. Well, despite several death threats and other pissed off emails complaining that my information was some how flawed or distorted via American media, I've decided to lay low for a while and discontinue any heated debates regarding the Dutch. Apparently I know just a little too much about their "secret" operations than they'd like. If word gets out to the rest of western civilization, it could be disastrous. Nobody....... NOBODY knows what the Dutch are up to over there.

-Kirk Out