INT.  TELEVISION TALK SHOW SET ‑‑ MORNING

The talk show interviewer and director each sit in comfortable chairs, separated by a coffee table.

INTERVIEWER

So, you're making a new movie?

DIRECTOR

Yes, that's right.

INTERVIEWER

And it's a sequel to a previous project, called Bowls Of Bacon?

DIRECTOR

It's actually more of a remake.

INTERVIEWER

But the title is "Bowls Of Bacon²: HyperBacon"!

DIRECTOR

Yes, but remakes are far more popular than sequels nowadays.

INTERVIEWER

But you never actually shot Bowls Of Bacon?!?

DIRECTOR

True, but the viewers don't know that.

INTERVIEWER

What do you mean?

DIRECTOR

Do you think anybody watched the original PSYCHO?

INTERVIEWER

Yes.  Of course they did.  It was very popular.

DIRECTOR

Wrong!!!  People were anticipating the remake even before the original was finished being written.  Nobody wants to see something original when they can wait and see the remake in a few years.

INTERVIEWER

I don't follow you.

DIRECTOR

Take BIODOME for example. NOBODY saw it... Because they knew one day it would be ripe for remaking. When they release the re‑make starring Liam Neeson and Meryl Streep, people will be saying "Pauly Who?"

INTERVIEWER

People are already saying that.

DIRECTOR

EXACTLY!!! They're totally stoked for the remake!

INTERVIEWER

We haven't actually heard of a BIODOME remake.

DIRECTOR

But you can feel it, can't you? In the air?

INTERVIEWER

Moving on. When will you begin shooting?

DIRECTOR

We've already begun. We're shooting THIS interview.

INTERVIEWER

Well, we haven't given you the clearance to use my likeness

DIRECTOR

Oh don't worry. We'll edit you out anyway and insert some kind of CG muppet in your place. YOU haven't scored that well with our test audiences.

INTERVIEWER

I've never been so insulted in all my life.

DIRECTOR

Well, have you ever been tied naked to a radiator?

Cut to Opening Credits.

EXT. EXTERIOR OF TELEVISION STUDIO, STREET. ‑‑ DAY

The director and his assistant are walking out of the television studio. They look rushed.

DIRECTOR

I don't even know why I bother talking to these hacks.

ASSISTANT

We need their support to reel in more viewers

DIRECTOR

If we would've shot Bowls Of Bacon, we would already have an established fanbase.

ASSISTANT

Yes, but we DIDN'T shoot it.

DIRECTOR

That's because it was pure shit. Viewers would be more entertained by watching us walk down this street than that piece of shit.

ASSISTANT

YOU wrote it.

DIRECTOR

Yes, but I didn't mean to.

ASSISTANT

What does that mean?

DIRECTOR

As far as I know, I just accidentally wrote it. It's kind of hard to say.

ASSISTANT

So, if you hate it so much, why are we bothering to remake it?

DIRECTOR

If YOU actually grasped even a ninth of the creative process, don't you think you'd be directing pictures?

ASSISTANT

Well, actually my training is more in‑

DIRECTOR

(interrupting)

‑Clearly Bowls Of Bacon was written as back‑story, exposition to a much greater story.

ASSISTANT

What greater story?

DIRECTOR

It's own faithful remake.

ASSISTANT

If it's faithful, won't it then be 'crap' too?

DIRECTOR

Haven't you noticed that the people that make these remakes always say they're 'faithful', yet they NEVER are?

ASSISTANT

Yeah, that always pisses me off

DIRECTOR

Precisely. And because you're used to it, you expect it. So, when we say it's faithful, we're effectively lowering expectations so when they see it and it marginally exceeds their unthinkably low expectations, we come out ahead.

ASSISTANT

(sarcastically)

That's brilliant, man.

DIRECTOR

I know. It's my life's philosophy

ASSISTANT

Riiiiight. So how is this movie going to start?

DIRECTOR

Well, I had this idea about all these people at a high school reunion. Two old friends meet. One of them is an aspiring screenwriter and the other is just a working man. The screenwriter explains the current story he's working on to the other guy. That's where the movie starts. And of course, we'd do it at the ending too. Book‑ending the whole thing.

ASSISTANT

Don't you think its kind of cheap to waste screen time with pointless book‑end scenarios?

DIRECTOR

Hell no I don't. This will give several people at the reunion a chance to tell their stories, and each will be delightfully breathtaking.

ASSISTANT

This is one of the worst ideas I've ever heard. It doesn't even sound like a movie. It sounds like a bunch of random crap, badly thrown together via a generic high school reunion.

DIRECTOR

Yeah, it is a really bad idea. I'm not looking forward to it at all.

ASSISTANT

Okay, give me the basic rundown of the thing. Maybe the individual stories will save it.

DIRECTOR

I doubt it, but here goes... Jim was a business man. He was going to his 10 year high school reunion. While getting punch, he runs into Bob, who HAPPENS to be a struggling screenwriter.

His voice fades out as the reunion scene fades in.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYMNASIUM ‑‑ NIGHT

Two men stand next to each other by the punch table.

JIM

Hi, bob, how are things? this is my mongoloid son Randolph Dobson. he's a pathetic lump of shit with the mentality of a 3 year old... but, but but, i know what you're thinking...doctors say there's hope. while he is worthless in every capacity while alive, the doctors say that his liver is in great shape.... so..... i've been drinking a lot lately.

BOB

What a horrible thing to say

JIM

No don't worry about it, IT can barely understand simple english.... and won't be deciphering this shit any time soon.. i mean, just look at IT.

BOB

For God sakes, he's your son, Jim!

JIM

Not for long....

BOB

How can you possibly talk that way about him?

JIM

Well, I won't have to much longer.. he's got one lumpy Mongoloid foot in the grave as it is.. I'm just trying to encourage the process. . encourage his passing into 'a better place'. the sort if place that accepts lumpy mud‑balls that bring terror and destruction upon all that is good and wholesome, like this walking disaster of biblical proportions that is Randolph.

BOB

It can't be that bad.

JIM

Oh, its hell. Take it from me, Bob. I'm the bastard's father.

BOB

Shame on you.

JIM

Yeah.. I should have pulled out when I had the chance. There was always a glimmer in Deloris' eye that made me think she would birth many children that weren't right in the head. I've stayed outta her as much as possible since this wasted piece of carbon entered our lives. I don't want a whole litter of these worthless creatures scurrying about my legs while i'm eating... begging for scraps... pretending to be human. i don't think i could even finish my meal without throwing up. i didn't want a pet, Bob, i wanted a son. If I was interested in housing a drooling slobbering pile of crap, I would've at least weighed the option of getting a dog. a dog can be trained not to shit in the bathtub, bob. in fact I believe its one of those built in instinct things they have. whereas the unholy beast twitchin' at my feet has no scruples whatsoever. couldn't shake your hand if his life depended on it.. he could smear feces all over your leg, if that would tickle your fancy.. well, would it bob?

BOB

This conversation sickens me.

JIM

Well, one upside is that I've found a few ways to cash in on his disability. the government has funding for stuff like this. which make sense. he's more like a science project than a human being. the government sees him as a 'special needs' case. I especially need to find a dumpster big enough for the son of a bitch. every time i dump him in the vast desert wastelands of nevada, he seems to crawl his greasy ass home just in time to piss me off.

BOB

I didn't even know you had a son.

JIM

Well, this ain't the sort of son you advertise, y'know.. its like:

"WE CORDIALLY INVITE YOU TO THE VIEWING OF A RETARDED PIECE OF SHIT THAT GOD HAS SCORNFULLY ABANDONED UPON THE DOORSTEP OF DELORIS' WOMB IN ORDER TO WREAK HAVOC ON OUR LIVES, FOR SOME MYSTERIOUS REASON HE HAS YET TO REVEAL. WE'VE GIVEN BIRTH TO THE SON OF SATAN AND WISH FOR YOU TO SEE HIM IN ALL HIS MONGOLOID GLORY. DANCING UPON THE LAST NERVE OF A FRAIL BITTER MAN." ‑ REGRETFULLY SIGNED 'THE BASTARD'S FATHER'

JIM (CONT'D)

No Bob, that's not high on my list of priorities. its somewhere beneath my never‑ending quest to find somebody, anybody, who's willing to knock off the little fucker without getting all high and mighty, forcing their morals and values upon me, as if this son of a bitch hasn't already tested the will of my soul to the very crest of its capacity. its hard to find even a homeless vietnam vet who's up for the challenge of sniping off a target that only moves when he knows it will piss me off. he's a lot like those cheap remote controlled race cars. he can only turn left. a weekend at the gun club would give you sufficient briefing to off this monster from beyond the gates of hell, and make the world a safe place for normal proper children.. I mean, c'mon bob... dropping him down a well would simply destroy the water supply of this great region and perhaps doom civilization as we know it to a future filled with these snotty ever‑fecalating mother‑fuckers. if only the government could provide a safe hazard‑free way of disposing of these toxic pieces of genetic waste.

BOB

(wanting to change the subject)

Well, I'M writing a screenplay now.

JIM

Oh yeah? You're one of them t‑shirt makers?

BOB

Well, I'm trying to be a writer for movies.

JIM

What kind of movie is it

BOB

It's an action adventure movie.

JIM

Like Delta Force 2?

BOB

A little. But I really feel it has it's own unique feel. You want me to explain it to you?

JIM

Sure man. I love Delta Force.

BOB

Well, it's not that much like Delta Force.

JIM

What?!?!

BOB

(trying to regain control)

Well, at times its very much like Delta Force.

JIM

That Lee Marvin is something ain't he?

BOB

(not really understand)

He sure is.

JIM

Alright, hit me.

BOB

Well, it starts with these two thieves trying to break into a building at night

Again, the story he's telling fades in as his dialog fades out.

EXT.  BEHIND A BUILDING ‑‑ NIGHT

We see a dimly lit building with a large cargo door (like a garage door).  Two distinct shadows come into frame.  Their faces are hidden by masks.  They move in a suspicious fashion.  One of them, the watchman (real name is Herb), looks around frantically, while the other, the mastermind (real name is mastermind), fumbles through a duffel bag, soon to produce a pry‑bar.  The watchman continues to look around.  He paces back and forth

THE WATCHMAN

Would you hurry it up already?

THE MASTERMIND

Shut it.  You can't rush something like this.  Just make sure nobody's coming.

The mastermind starts prying at the latch on the door.  Its not opening easily.  He spends some time fumbling with it.

THE WATCHMAN

I thought you had experience with this sort of thing?

THE MASTERMIND

I did.  Once, but it was suggested by a Washington State judge that I forget such skills.  So I'm a little bit rusty.

He continues to try to outsmart the lock on the door.

THE WATCHMAN

Well, I'm glad to see you've reformed, but I'm feeling pretty exposed just standing out here.

THE MASTERMIND

Well, maybe you ought to pull your pants up.

THE WATCHMAN

You could be right.

Just then, they hear a noise.  A figure emerges from out of frame.  We see a character in a 60's style Batman costume.  He doesn't have a mask, but instead has a black hat with the word "BATMAN" written on it.  He's clearly not the exercising type.  In one hand he holds a sandwich, and in the other a large soda.  At first he was focused solely on the sandwich he was engulfing, but soon notices the villains.  He looks startled upon seeing the criminals in action.  Though their intent is not certain, he can tell that they have no rightful place here.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

You guys wanna tell what you're doing here so late?  I thought they only picked up the garbage on Tuesdays?  I guess you guys will have to come back then.

THE WATCHMAN

We're not garbage‑men, guy.

THE MASTERMIND

We're evil‑doers.  Don't you read comics?

THE WATCHMAN

I do.

THE MASTERMIND

Shut up and take this fool, Herb.

They each lunge at Batman from his sides.  Its clear that THIS Batman has no fighting skills.  The evil‑doers quickly disable him, and take his sandwich.  Pure evil.

They run off into the night.  Batman is left, curled up by the wall of the building, sobbing in horror.

Fade.

EXT. OUTSIDE AN OFFICE BUILDING ‑‑ MORNING

The camera pans in front of an Office building.

INT. INSIDE THE OFFICE BUILDING ‑‑ AFTERNOON

The camera pans parallel to a row of Office cubicles, and stops at one.

We again see the face of the man who had been in the Batman costume.  We can only see his face.  He is wearing glasses, and no hat.  He is working on something at his desk.

Another man, walks up from out of frame.

SUPERVISOR

'Morning, Bruce.  How are things going for you today?

BRUCE

Kind of had a rough night.  Really don't feel so hot.

SUPERVISOR

Great, because I've got a couple of big projects for ya.  I've got to go to a meeting in a few minutes, but after that I'd like to take some time and go over them with you.

BRUCE

I'm already over‑loaded with projects this week.  Couldn't you get Martinez, Venezuela, Lopez, Sanchez, or Smith to take care of these "projects"?

SUPERVISOR

Oh.  Yeah. They all got trampled to death in a soccer riot over the weekend.  There was an e‑mail all about it.  With pictures even.  Very funny stuff.

BRUCE

You're kidding?  Wow.  What about Jenkins or Peters?

SUPERVISOR

Apparently some kid with a camcorder caught them trying to break into a building last night. The kid showed his parents the tape, and they took it to the cops. Apparently, the kid also got footage of Peters and Jenkins beating the hell out of some guy in a Batman costume.  Couldn't see his face, but either way I bet it'll be on the internet by noon‑time.  You can't tell me you didn't hear about this?  It's all over the local news.

BRUCE

No.  I had no idea.

Bruce stands up to reveal that he's still wearing the Batman suit.  The supervisor doesn't seem to notice.  Batman turns and looks at something off‑frame and looks back at the supervisor

SUPERVISOR

The only other person that could help with these projects is that weird guy, Anderson, but some of the girls over in accounting are throwing him a surprise birthday party in a little bit, so I can't ask him to help today.

BRUCE

Look.  I'm really busy.  Can we continue this later?

SUPERVISOR

Yeah.  I'm late for that meeting anyway.  I'll see you around, Bruce.

The camera pans away as the Supervisor exits.  As it continues to pan, it stops at a co‑workers desk.  His desk is highly organized.  There is a computer, a phone and some neatly stacked papers.  He seems bored out of his mind, half asleep, with his head resting on his hand.  He lets out a sight and taps his fingers on his face.  We hear a voice

DELIVERY MAN

Anderson?  N Anderson?

ANDERSON

Yeah.  That's me.

The delivery man hands Anderson a FED‑EX style envelope package.  He pulls back the tab and the package rips open.  A large, older‑style rotary phone drops from the package that it could not have actually fit in.  It makes a disturbingly loud ringing sound as it hits, from the jostling of the internal bell.  He inspects the envelope for anything else, if not merely a clue as to this unexpected, yet welcome gift.  He looks around to see if anyone is laughing, as he suspects it might be a practical joke. The phone rings, though it is clearly not plugged in.  He answers it.

ANDERSON (CONT'D)

Hello?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

Neo?  Don't you want to know the answer to the question?

ANDERSON

Which question?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

The one that's been haunting your dreams for a fortnight.  Involving time shares in Florida, government conspiracy and/or robots.  The inner truth and all that stuff that was in the brochure we sent you.

ANDERSON

What?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

This IS Neo isn't it?

ANDERSON

No.  I'm Neil.  I think you have a wrong number.

The camera zooms in on his name tag, reading "Neil Anderson"

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

Well, do you know anybody named Neo?

ANDERSON

No.  Not really.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

Could you just pretend to be Neo for a little while?  It would require very little effort.  But, if anybody asks whether or not you're Neo, say yes.  I couldn't locate the real Neo.  I don't even know what he looks like.  The prophecy was pretty vague.  But when can you really depend on a prophecy?  They never really seem to pan out.

ANDERSON

Yeah.  Okay.  I have nothing better to do.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

Good. Well, there are some men coming for you, Neo.  They'll stop at nothing to find you.  Their desire for you is sincerely insatiable.

ANDERSON

What?  Who are you?  Where are you?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

I'm everywhere and nowhere.  I am Mobeous, a deep sea diver from a far‑a‑way land, who's name I can't pronounce for fear of...

Neil stands up as the camera pull back to reveal that a man with a trench coat and sunglasses is kneeling on the other side of the cubicle wall, talking on a modern cell phone.  We realize that mysterious voice is coming from him.

ANDERSON

You're right here.  You're not in a faraway mystical land.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

I never said "Mystical".  You added that yourself.  Nevermind.  Pay no attention to the me that is behind the wall.  He is in no way affiliated with the me you are talking to on this phone.  He's devious.  Don't trust him.  Trust me.

ANDERSON

I'm confused

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

And you have every right to be.  Now, listen carefully.  Slowly stand up and look towards the doors to the West.  You should see a man.

ANDERSON

I see several.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

A suspicious man....

We see, from across the room, a man hold a set of strings, each attached to various multi-colored balloons.  We hear somebody in that direction speak.

OFFICE WORKER

Anderson?  Yeah.  3rd row down.  Only guy there.  Kinda has a funk to him, so we put him by himself.  Should be easy enough to find.

The man with the balloons starts walking towards Neil Anderson, who immediately spots this villain.

ANDERSON

Okay.. I see him.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

Logic may suggest that you run to him gaily.  This is not wise.  I assure you he is a vicious killing machine who is somewhat hellbent on your destruction.  The balloons most‑likely contain some rare, yet erotic explosive that would level this building in seconds.

ANDERSON

What should I do?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

Move quickly but quietly towards the exit.  From there you'll know what to do next.

Anderson clumsily fumbles his way to the back exit.

EXT. OUTSIDE AN OFFICE BUILDING ‑‑ DAY

We see Anderson flee through a back door.  He looks around for some kind of sign as to what he should do next.

Suddenly, a vehicle comes, screeching around the corning and comes to a halt at his feet.  There is little that is extraordinary about the car, other than the large, hand‑written sign, displaying the word "Batmobile" on the side.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Get in.

Anderson gets in the car and it speeds away.  We see some men in suits burst through the door after him.  They briefly look around.

INT. CAR ‑‑ DAY

We see Neil Anderson, sitting in the passenger seat of a car, with a look of confusion on his face.  He's not quite sure what's happening.

ANDERSON

Where are we going?  What's going on?

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Quiet.  All will be explained soon enough.  Crap!  We're being followed.  Keep your head down.  I'll try to lose them.

We see out the back window of The Batmobile.  There is a car following closely behind.  It has a sign on the side reading "NOT Batmobile".  Several men in suits are in the car.  The chase goes on for several minutes. Eventually we end up at a stop light. Both cars come to a complete stop, single file. Standing on the street corner is an apparently homeless man.  He holds a pile of rags.  He walks up to The Batmobile and bends down to look through the window.  He bangs violently on the window, screaming.

HOMELESS GUY

Open up, you bastards!

The window rolls down.  The man pulls aside some rags and produces a rotary phone, not unlike the one used prior by Neo / Neil Anderson.  He extends the phone to Anderson, who slowly reaches for it.  Anderson picks up the handle and slowly draws it to his ear?

ANDERSON

Hello?..... Hello?

He looks frightened.  We hear no voice on the other end.  Anderson's eyes dart back at the homeless man, who backs away, with an evil look in his eye.

Anderson slowly gets out of the car, with the phone, and walks back to the other car, behind him.

ANDERSON (CONT'D)

I think its for you.

The driver of the car (Not Batmobile) takes the phone and glances back and Neil, but says nothing to him.  As he holds the phone to his ear, he quietly mutters.

SUIT 1

Hello.

We hear an annoying voice come from the other end.

TELEMARKETER

Hello sir.  Are you satisfied with your long distance service provider?

SUIT 1

Not really.  I get disconnected a lot and I'm frequently charged for minutes I don't use.

TELEMARKETER

Have you ever considered switching to MTI?  Our service is iffy and our prices are outrageous, but we have a somewhat friendly and / or partially knowledgeable customer service center, open 13 hours a week, ready to serve you.

He continues to answer the telemarketer's questions as Anderson gets back in The Batmobile. They race away again, leaving the Suits to deal with the annoying telemarketer.

EXT. FARM HOUSE ‑‑ AFTERNOON

The Batmobile arrives at a farm house, outside of town.  Its a nice summer day.  The car slowly drives toward the house.  The car stops.  Batman and Anderson both get out of the car simultaneously.  They slowly walk toward the house.  The camera will use cheap horror style photography for this scene, as it is intended to somewhat resemble a George A. Romero zombie film.

As they move toward the house, we hear something from the left (out of frame).  They both look, and see nothing.  Just then, a drug‑crazed zombie jumps out from behind a tree and lunges at Batman.  They struggle for a few seconds.  When the zombie gets a good chance, he takes a bite out of Batman's arm.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Oh my god.  He freakin' bit me.

Neil grabs the zombie by the arm and kicks the zombie away.  The zombie looks annoyed, and possibly bitter about the turn of events, and pouts as he walks back off screen, looking back with a look on his face that says "you don't have to be a dick about it.  Jeez.", leaving Batman and Neil confused.

Drug‑crazed Zombie History Lesson #1: If you get bitten by a zombie, you become a zombie.  Keep this in mind to fully understand this next bit of action.

Neil and Batman assess the wound.  Batman puts pressure on it with his hand.  They continue toward the house.

ANDERSON

It doesn't look too bad.  We'll try and find something to wrap it up inside.

They go inside.  The house is empty.  We make no attempt at this point to explain who's house this is or if the characters even know.  They don't act as if they're familiar with the house.  They begin going through the cupboards, trying to find something to wrap Batman's arm.  Neil finds some duct tape.  He puts it on.

Neil sits down on the couch to take a breather.  He's had a busy day.

Batman continues to look through drawers and cupboards, not eluding to what he's look for, if anything.  He begins to twitch.  Slightly, at first, but soon begins convulsing and foaming at the mouth.  His color fades.  He falls out of frame.  When he rises, he has a pale green tint to him.  He looks crazy.

We see neil sitting on the couch, snacking on a bowl of baby carrots.  He's watching something on TV and isn't aware that Batman has become a drug‑crazed zombie in the kitchen.

Batman stumbles towards Neil, from behind the couch.  He reaches out and begins to strangle Neil from behind.  He bends down like he's going to bite Neil, but as he leans over the couch, he see's the bowl of carrots and begins to salivate more.  He shoves Neil aside and grabs the carrots... He stands back, munching on the carrots.  He slowly backs into a corner of the room and eats every carrot.  When he's done, he confusing turns the bowl over, sniffs it, shakes it, etc. He looks hungrily back at Neil and slowly walks over to him.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Hey dude.  Are there any more carrots?

ANDERSON

I don't think so man.

Neil barely looks at Batman, apparently not caring too much that he was nearly murdered, if it wasn't for the carrots, by this drug‑crazed vegetarian flesh‑eating zombie Batman.  He just stares at the infomercial on the screen.

Batman (now dressed in normal street clothes.  No costume) Grabs a winter coat, and hat from the closet.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

I'm gonna head to the store, man.  You want anything?

He gets no answer.  He pulls the winter hat onto his head.  Rubs his hands together and blows on his hands, as if cold (although it's summer).

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME (CONT'D)

Ok dude.

He exits through the door.  The camera goes back to Neil, who is still staring at the TV.

EXT. CAR ‑‑ DAY

We now see the "Not Batmobile" car from earlier.  It is parked on the side of the road.  The driver is still talking on the rotary phone.

SUIT 1

I'm interested in this plan, but what kind of commitment does it require?

We hear no voice from the other end.

SUIT 1 (CONT'D)

Uh huh.  Ok. I think I can do that, but what'll it really cost?

INT. INSIDE THE OFFICE BUILDING ‑‑ DAY

We're back at the Office, from the first scene.  We see the balloon delivery man sitting at Neil's desk, sobbing.

BALLOON GUY

Oh man, am I gonna get it.  Dad's gonna be furious.  And its meat loaf night.  I couldn't have picked a worse time to fail.

EXT. GROCERY STORE ‑‑ DAY

The camera holds a shot of the front of a grocery store for a couple seconds

INT. GROCERY STORE ‑‑ DAY

We see several bags of vegetables laid down on the counter.

The camera pans up to reveal Batman.  He's back in the costume (No winter hat, coat, etc.)

The camera shows a close‑up of Doris the store clerk.

DORIS THE CLERK

Are you guys going to a costume party or something?

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

What?

DORIS THE CLERK

You guys.  You're dressed up like super heroes.  Batman and Robin.

The camera shows Batman's face again, close‑up, then pulls back.  We can see a skinny guy wearing a black construction paper eye‑mask (like Robin's).  He has a pink felt cape, a black button up shirt.  Over his heart, we see a pink circle with a black "R" in it.  He's also wearing bike shorts.  He clearly has some type of mental problem

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Why would you automatically think I was with him?

DORIS THE CLERK

You're wearing a Batman costume and he's wearing a Robin costume.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

I'm not wearing a costume

GUY IN ROBIN SUIT

"R" is for Ronald.  Mom says I'm special.  I like butter.

He turns around, looking up at the ceiling.  Clearly mentally disabled.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

"R" is for Ronald.  You can't argue that logic.

DORIS THE CLERK

Whatever.  Total is $75.23.  Paper or plastic?

EXT. GROCERY STORE ‑‑ DAY

We see the front entrance to the store again.  As Batman is walking back to his car, a man in a trench coat approaches him.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

PST!  Hey!  Are you Neo?

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

I don't think so.  How would I know?

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

It's not something that someone can tell you.  It's something you feel deep inside you, just like love.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Something tells me you're used to a different kind of love than I am.  I don't have time for this.  Some evil guys are chasing me and Neil.

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

Did you say "Neo"?

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

No.  As a matter of fact, I did not.

The mysterious voice guy stumbles away, as if drunk, and we see him asking every other person (coming out of the store) if they are Neo.

INT. FARM HOUSE ‑‑ AFTERNOON

We see Neil sitting on the couch.  He stares at the TV, still watching the same infomercial as before.

There's a knock on the door (remember: he doesn't actually live here)

He gets up and walks cautiously to the door and opens it slowly. A look of horror comes to his face (we don't see/hear/smell what has shocked him).  A pair of arms reach through the doorway and hand him a sewing machine.

He looks down at it as slowly closes the door.  He places it on the floor by the entrance to the kitchen, and goes back to the couch.  

EXT. FARM HOUSE ‑‑ AFTERNOON

Batman pulls up to the farm house again.  We once again return to that eerie zombie‑film style camera work (ie. low askew angles).  He gets out of the car and moves toward the house.

Just then, a drug‑crazed kung fu ninja jumps out and kicks Batman in the groin.  As he falls over, the kung fu guy grabs Batman and takes a bite out of his arm.

Drug‑crazed Zombie History Lesson #1 (restated): If you get bitten by a zombie, you become a zombie.  Just so you know.

The kung fu guy looks proud of his accomplishment and struts away.

KUNG FU GUY 1

Hey, I gotta be getting back now.  I'll see you guys around.  Tell everybody "hi" for me.

Kung Fu Guy 1 walks away in the opposite direction from the house.

Batman stands, stunned, and stumbles back toward the house, now with two open wounds.

EXT. GROCERY STORE ‑‑ AFTERNOON

We again see the mysterious voice trench coat guy.  He's posting flyers that say "MISSING: NEO".  He puts a couple up and walks out of frame, calling out:

MYSTERIOUS VOICE

Here Neo!  Here boy!!!!

INT. FARM HOUSE ‑‑ AFTERNOON

The door opens and Batman comes in with a bag of groceries.  He seems exhausted.  He looks up and is surprised.  Neil is on the couch playing Nintendo with the very same Drug‑crazed Kung Fu Guy we met just a few moments prior.

KUNG FU GUY 1

Hey, guy.  It's been a while.  Neil said you'd be back, but we didn't think it'd take that long. I just stopped by to see what you guys were up to, cuz its been years since was last hung out.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

I don't know you.

KUNG FU GUY 1

Suit yourself.

Batman, still confused, walks back toward the kitchen.  He trips over the sewing machine.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Hey!  Nice meat tenderizer!!!!

He begins sorting the various vegetables from the grocery bag.

He starts twitching.  Slowly at first.  He convulses again, and flings himself against the wall and bounces around in the TV room.  Neil and the kung‑fu guy don't seem to notice.  Batman continues flailing about and smashes his head against the wall several time.  He continues for a few moments, and slowly slink down to the ground, out of view.  The kung‑fu guy looks over.

KUNG FU GUY 1

Hey is Jeff okay?

ANDERSON

He's Batman, not Jeff.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

(with increasing anger)

I'm not Batman!

Batman rises back into view.  He has some kind of crazed look in his eye.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME (CONT'D)

But that doesn't matter anymore.

ANDERSON

What's going on?

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

I know Kung‑fu

KUNG FU GUY 1

Show me.

Batman spins around on one foot and punches/kicks a few times into the air.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Keeeee‑yop!!!!

KUNG FU GUY 1

Oh my god!  He's right.

Batman stops kicking.  He pants several times, out of breath.  He puts his hands on his thighs and hangs his head, as if truly exhausted.

All of the sudden, we hear violent clawing at the door.  Everybody looks up in terror.

Although he has no idea what is actually outside, Batman yells out.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Oh no!  We're completely surrounded by zombies.

Neil and Kung Fu Guy stand up quickly, and the three of them move together in the center of the room.

KUNG FU GUY 1

We must find sanctuary.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Forget that!  Let's get to the basement and barricade the door!

They run to the basement door, which is at the top of a staircase (similar to The Night Of The Living Dead.  Batman slams the door shut.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME (CONT'D)

We must fortify this door with holy blood in order to prevent those godless demons from entering me.

Batman grabs a broom and gently props it against the door.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME (CONT'D)

That ought to hold them.  I'm still sore from my last encounter.

He hurries down the stairs to meet the others.

ANDERSON

How are we going to get out of this mess

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

If only we had some kind of phone that we could use to call ourselves in the past to warn us about the imminent danger we now face.

ANDERSON

That doesn't sound like a regular phone to me.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

No.  This phone would have to be somewhat magic.

KUNG FU GUY 1

(with cheap Asian accent)

You crazy.  I no hear of no magic phone.  Silly white man.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

(with boyhood excitement fading into a depressing disappointment)

No it's real.  It has to be.  Or else, my life means nothing.

ANDERSON

Well, the fact is that we don't have a phone like that, so what's the point?

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

You know who I'd call if I had a magic phone?  I'd prank call Hitler.  That'd be a gas.

ANDERSON

This scene is getting us nowhere.  We need to do something.

Neil Anderson looks around the room for anything that might help.  The camera pans to reveal several shelves.

KUNG FU GUY 1

Let's play Scrabble.

ANDERSON

I'm not sure that would be a good utilization of our time.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Yeah, but what could it hurt?

We see a guy we've never seen before.

NEW GUY

I never learned to read, so I'm just gonna go ahead and sit this one out.

The others don't seem to notice the new guy, and we never see him again.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

The whole house is entirely surrounded by vicious evil zombies from heck.  We've gotta do something to pass the time.  Plus, you might learn a thing or two.

So, they play Scrabble for a bit.  Their dialog fades out and we hear some touching background music as the camera pans around them, giving close‑ups of the characters.  Sometimes they laugh.  Sometimes they look angry.  This lasts for about a minute.  The dialog fades back in.

KUNG FU GUY 1

You know that's not a real word.

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Did you even go to school?  "Utercopplied" is a word.

KUNG FU GUY 1

What it mean?

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Its a medical term.  My grandma is an OBGYN.  She makes the best cookies.

ANDERSON

What's an OBGYN?

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Like a gynocologist.

ANDERSON

Cool.  What kind of cookies?

Just then, we hear a voice from off camera.

VOICE OFF CAMERA

Holy crop there's a family of Chinese immigrants in this closet!

We see a clearly closed closet door.  A hand reaches across the frame and opens the door to reveal a guy who is clearly not Asian at all, curled up in the closet with several hand‑made cardboard figures with smiley faces.  The door closes and we never hear of it again.

We turn back to scrabble.  Anderson is proud that he finally was able to spell a word.

ANDERSON

I totally spelled a word.  Finally.

The camera shows the screen as Anderson lays the final letter in the word "Batman".

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

What's your obsession with batman?

ANDERSON

What's yours?

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

I don't have to take this abuse.  I'm leaving.

ANDERSON

What about the hordes upon hordes of drug‑crazed zombies?

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

I'll just go out the back.

He gets up, grabs a random jacket from a table.  The camera pans over to reveal that there are several sections of the basement that they simply did not explore, including a wide open door.

Batman exits out the back as we focus on the the sunset.

INT. STREET ‑‑ AFTERNOON

Camera fades back into Batman walking down a street. It isn't important if it is a rural or urban area. He appears to be wandering aimlessly. Accompanying music should enhance his loneliness and desperation. He looks lost. As he is walking, an apparently homeless man jumps out and speaks.

HOMELESS GUY 2

A Thousand Lobotomized Toddlers Will Tear The Flesh From Your Limbs!

Pause for a moment.

HOMELESS GUY 2 (CONT'D)

On a Tuesday!

GUY IN BATMAN COSTUME

Oh god. You smell like the diarrhea of a 6 and a half year old girl!

Batman quickly turns away and continues to walk.