liotta

THE PERFECT SKETCH

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Setting: Teen wants to discuss his problems dealing with teenage issues

Character 1

I've been having a crisis lately; I feel lost, like I've lost sight of my own "identity". It's just that sometimes I feel that there's "No Escape" from the the ups and downs of teenage life. It's not that I'm some tortured artist thriving on rejection and torment; I'm just "John Q" public, trying to find my way through a world that no longer seems to make any sense. In my opinion there are two kinds of people out there: "Heartbreakers" and "Muppets From Space". My life hasn't been easy, like in the mid-nineties when my obsession with "Blow" landed me a stint in prison. It hurts to find out that a person you trusted was actually a "Narc." It was an "Unforgettable" experience. Luckily for me, that's when I met Deloris, who vowed to be "Forever Mine." 'Forever' only lasted until we moved to "Phoenix," though, and she end up leaving me, claiming that she couldn't handle the heat. After that, I became an alcoholic, fondled one too many librarians, and wound up in prison in Manitoba, looking at 5 to 10 for violation of "Article 99." That's where I met some "goodfellas" who taught me that life isn't always fair, by which I mean there was an "Unlawful Entry" every night for the extent of my stay. Another crushing blow came when when I was a young lad... I had pet hamster Sir Jenkins "The Scornful" Of Yorkshire. I feel much sorrow when speaking of this, for he had some promiscuous gay sex and contracted leukemia, the gay cancer, which is a very chic and popular affliction amongst the gay community. He died lonely, curled up in his cage. He choked to death on his own semen. As his mind drifted off into the surprisingly happy land of death and disease, mine was filled with a "swirling vertigo of terror". I'm telling you, man, I've seen hard times and a considerable amount of "Turbulence," but until now I've been able to put things behind me and move on, but lately I just feel lost in a "Field of Dreams" and illusions, never knowing what's truth and what's a lie. *Sigh*.

Voiceover

Well, my friend, when the pressures of modern life get me feeling confused and helpless and in need of a beacon of hope to guide me through the darkness, I turn to the prophetic teachings of the world's greatest philosopher and spiritual leader...

Character 1

who?

Voiceover

RAY LIOTTA. (as if to say "obviously" via tone of voice)

[pause]

Character 1

Who the fuck is Ray Liotta?

Voiceover

Are you feeling anxious? Depressed? Angry and somewhat nauseous? Ray Liotta can help. Call Ray now at 1-800-NO-ESCAPE

His psychic readings are so accurate, they give even him the chills. That's right, even Ray gets the chills. Despite his godlike performance in everything he's ever been involved with, he's still "technically" a human being who is susceptible to emotional distress, though scientists are contemplating the development of a new super human mega-species based on Ray's erratic behavior. Ray would be the first member. It'll be hard to set defined criteria for this new "uber" species, because nobody has ever been like Ray before. He's somewhat of a force to be reckoned with and such.